Out of Control…

Now, I would never classify myself as a “control freak”… freak might be a little harsh… maybe just a “control fan” would be a more accurate description. But nonetheless, there are times when I do not like letting go of the reins and trusting the ride I’m on. Now, is one of those times….

Finding out that my sweet mama has breast and bone cancer… and as of this week… finding out it’s at Stage 4… leaves me feeling helpless, uncertain, scared, frustrated and well, out of control. I’m a ‘fixer’ by nature. I’m resourceful, creative, a problem solver, a manager, a take-the-bull-by-the-horns-kinda-gal. If I see something gone awry… I don’t mess around. I whip out my proverbial tool belt (even though the tools are pink and kinda girlie)… and I get to work. I am a true McGuyver.

I can’t fix Mom’s problem.

Sigh.

Because this is all in God’s hands. The Maker of the Universe. The Creator of all that is good and right and holy. My Father. My Savior. Mom’s Father. Mom’s Savior. The Lover of both our souls.

So why do I think that my abilities and wisdom and love for my mother would be a better resource for her? I mean, I don’t really think that. But… I really do. At least I act like I do when I think I’m her better option. When I panic and worry and struggle with my lack of control. When I try to dictate to the Lord how to solve these issues and I try to wrestle Him into submission. When I advise the Creator of the Universe as to how He should answer my prayers. “All ya gotta do Lord is…

It’s one thing to pray in faith and believe that God can and will do miracles and to know that He has my best interest in His heart… it’s another thing to take back the reins (reign) and hope He jumps in on my agenda.

So, as you pray for me, my mom and our family… pray also that my faith would increase. That my ability to trust the One, who is the only One worth trusting, would increase and that my desire to McGuyver my way through life would be what’s wrestled in to submission.

Thanks friends.

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3 thoughts on “Out of Control…

  1. praying…and always here to talk (even though i won’t technically be “here” for a few days). love you!

  2. I'm so very sorry to hear about your Mom, Deb. No words of wisdom of here, no sage advice that will make your worries go away.
    As we are all too aware in lifes lessons, everyone simply deals in their own way, in their own time. There is no one steadfast applying rule here, unfortunately. Sometimes there just seems to be grief and confusion. The silver lining here is that you seem to have a great network of people who love and care about you (which speaks very highly of you and is well deserved); whether it's taste-testing your recipes or praying with you–and FOR you. This is one of those times and they will come through for you.
    You've been there for them, time to let go and let them be there for you.
    Please keep me posted and tell your Mom she is with me in my thoughts. She always has the warmest smile and laugh….
    Love,
    Jo

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